Crossroads

Some things in this life are just fundamentally wrong. Waking up for almost no apparent reason a full hour before you actually have to get up is one of these things. It’s not enough time to really fall back asleep, but it’s entirely too long to justify getting out of bed. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part of being awake for no apparent reason a full hour before you have to get up is when it's only 3:00 in the morning. THAT, friends, is just start a war over it wrong.

So, it was 3:00. I was wide awake. Today would be the day I’d return to the lake for another open-water swim. This time my school-year swim partner would be joining me at the lake with some of my tri-team members, and we’d hit the water around 5:45 a.m.

I didn’t get out of bed at 3:00 even though I was awake. Mostly for spite, but it was nice to just lie there and think without the interference of something pending. I didn’t know what the swim would hold today, but I hoped it would be something better than the last two open-water adventures.

My alarm eventually went off, I got up, made kid lunches for summer camp, got kid clothes and swimsuits ready for the day, wrote lunch-box notes, a note to my husband, a note to my kids for when they woke up, packed my swim gear, my work clothes, shower stuff, lunch, and put all that mess in the car. Today was also the day I needed to make a decision once and for all... keep my teaching job, or keep the new writing job. The summer was to be my decider since the year sabbatical idea didn’t work out.

Ugh... way too much to do before 9:00 a.m. today.

There were about 10 of us in the water by 5:45, somehow I was put on point since there were some new people who hadn’t swum with us before. My training partner and a few others were following me. I was NOT comfortable with this given my open-water Forrest Gump sighting debacle at my Oly tri in June, and the sorry, sad quality of my last few swims. Talk about totally on the spot, pressure to perform and not screw up at all... ugh, again.

And then a very strange thing happened. I swam in a perfectly straight line. Kept track of the three people following me without really thinking about it, wasn’t at all fatigued, panicked, fussing with goggles or my wetsuit, or freaking out about Ironman. Point A to point be precisely. 30 minutes out... 22 minutes back. What. The. Hell. Was. That??? My best guess is that in the absence of worrying about every little thing, I was able to just concentrated on one point, on getting there and not losing the people behind me. Everything else didn't really register I guess... I think my stroke even fell into line because it felt like my body evened out over the water - like I was lying flat on top of it instead of arched up the way I normally swim. It was soooooo much easier...

Heh... you know, maybe that’s what I need to start doing... less. Stop worrying so much about so much and just show up at the starting line believing that I know what to do when it really counts. The rest of it is just some kind of attempt to dissuade me, I think. Damn little devils of the uncharted path...I guess uncertainty is always intimidating to a degree.

Phone pic of the sunrise this morning over the lake...after my swim.

Seems that chancing it is the message I’m meant to get today, too, because after my swim I went to my school. Went to my classroom that I’d torn down before the year ended, my boxes still sitting there, and I started typing, sure... but not sure. The same way I’ve been all summer. I was mostly sure about resigning though, and because I was mostly sure that had to be enough, lest I blow in the wind for the rest of my friggin’ life about this decision.

I guess I've found so far that there are very few things in life that we’ll ever have 100% of the information about, or be 100% certain about. With something like this, when it boils down to making a decision or see-sawing for all foreseeable eternity, I think you just have to go with mostly informed or mostly sure. So, that’s what I finally did.

“...I would like to resign my position for the 2006-2007 school year. Thank you for the opportunity to serve the community for eight enriching years...”

I printed three copies and sent them to their various destinations. Signed them. Sealed them. One by one took my boxes to the car. Stood in the doorway of my classroom one more time before closing it after the last trip, and stared for a minute...

“Am I still here...?”

...Are you?

“I don’t think so.”

Moving on is moving on. You did lots of good things here. It’s someone else’s turn now.

“I know. And I think it’s OK... I think I’m OK with that...

So this is what it’s like...”

What?

“I don’t know... standing at the crossroads.”

You go far enough, and they tend to come around now and then.

“Heh...so I guess this is proof that I’m getting somewhere...”

I looked a second more before I shut the lights, shut the door, and walked to the office to turn in my keys. I said my goodbyes, gave and received some hugs and smiles, and told everyone I’d see them on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I came to swim with my school-year swim partner. I felt resolved as I went to my car. Not missing something, not empty, not regretful. Decided. Finally. And for the best for me.

As I started my car, and strange things happen like this to me sometimes, I heard the ending chorus of an old Greenday song...

“...it’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right... I hope you had the time of your life...”

I guess I did. I really did for a lot of years. And I want to remember them that way. I think by moving on now, I probably will.

Life is loosening up on me. Suppose that’s what happens if I let it...if I realize that things go in all kinds of directions, that nothing is finite, and that you never get anywhere if you don’t risk stepping out of your comfort zone.

I think that’s the most important thing I’m learning on this journey so far.

9:00 a.m.... and all is well.

_____________________________________________________
(OK, I just looked up the rest of the lyrics to this song, how weird!)

Time Of Your Life

Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test,
and don't ask why.
It's not a question,
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable,
but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs,
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable,
but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable,
but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.