In the Beginning...

"Anything is possible. But you have to believe, and you have to fight." ~ Lance Armstrong

All right well let's do this. With the off-season shape-up contest getting underway soon (btw my friend is building a site for us to use since there was such a big interest - more info on that to come), seems like as good a time as any to follow through on something I said I'd do.

As promised, I'm posting the only two pictures in existence of me at 200lbs. Yes, you read that right, 2-0-0 lbs on my 5'5 1/2'' self. These were taken a little more than 10 years ago, the weight a result of obliterating my metabolism with anorexia and bulimia from the age of 18 to 20, which was a pretty rough time for me. When I finally got control of that, well, my body didn't know what I'd pull next I guess so it just tried to play it safe by holding onto whatever I ate, even though it really wasn't that much.

Anyway, after I saw these prints for the first time I became phobic of the camera and didn't allow another picture to be taken of me until I got smaller...about five years later. In the meantime, during those five years I didn't even look in the mirror unless I had to. I hid behind my hair and was afraid to smile because I was paranoid about the double chin and face spread situation you may notice going on in these shots. See, contrary to what some may think - that fat people are apparently unaware or don't care about how they look - I was hyper-aware and I cared about it so much it made smiling, what should have been a basic, natural instinct upon seeing kids play or old people hold hands, into a methodical and grueling consideration. I look back on it now and almost can't believe it was me lost in there.

I wound up going back and forth with my weight for the next few years, and then one day just woke up having had enough. It occurred to me that your life can only spin out of control for so long before it gets to the point you're out of options and just have to fight for who and what you want to be. I thought about that, then signed up for a marathon to give me some structure and focus, agreed to fill in on a relay for a triathlon, and soon thereafter signed up to do a sprint triathlon on my own. Anyone else in the same situation would do the same thing I think because it's just human nature. Everyone will fight for themselves when they've really had enough.

The frustrating part is how tolerant we let ourselves become over time. For some it's like alcohol or any other drug, the longer they're exposed the more of it they can handle until rock bottom comes rushing up from below. As for me, I don't know if I hit rock bottom or just really wanted to smile again. I think maybe it was a little of both, but whatever the case I was just happy to have my focus back.

Interestingly enough however, even though my body changed, my mind took a little longer. I think when you spend so many years programming yourself to hide because of the way you feel you look, it takes its toll on the rest of your self-concept as well. You can lose the weight and see someone else in the mirror everyday, though for a while yet you're the same fractured person inside, at least to some degree. This was my experience anyway, as was finally climbing out of that place one 6, 7, and 10% grade at a time...

On a hill at Wildflower, 2007.