Leading Ophelia

"For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man." ~ Hamlet

If I go to sleep at 10:00 p.m., I wake up without the alarm at 3:48 in the morning alert, ready, optimistic, and happy. But alas, it's 3:48 in the morning, which is ridiculous, so I tell myself I'll find time later in the day to do whatever it is I need time to do - at a sane hour - and stay in bed. By around 6:30 in the evening, however, I'm cursing the fact that I stayed in bed so alert, ready, optimistic, and happy, when I could have gotten up and done whatever it was that now at 6:30 in the evening, I clearly will not have time to do. And this happens every single time I wake up this way.

As my day fell apart yesterday, I tried to avoid getting frustrated over every little undone thing by focusing on the bigger picture - "why?"

It was then that I decided it's truly amazing how many years of my life I've complicated by denying my own natural state like this, and I couldn't help but wonder how much easier and more successful the road might have been if only I hadn't. After all, 95% of of my tallied frustration and disappointment has come from trying to control or alter things that really were somewhat beyond my control, and probably shouldn't have been altered. So, late last night, after a crowning debacle of a day, I decided something. I'm going to stop kidding myself.

You see, I think I've finally come to accept the fact that regardless of what's perceived ridiculous in this world, even by me as a result of being immersed in the culture that originally perpetuated the belief, 3:48 in the morning is when I'm awake. Time and time again I dismiss the fact that I'm awake, that this is my hour, and the day escapes me as a result. I know this like I know other things I deny inside of myself because they're "ridiculous" and though that may be the case as far as the rest of the world is concerned, it doesn't change the fact that these are the things I am, and the sooner I stop struggling against them in favor of being more "not ridiculous", the more efficient and powerful my life will be. I'm encouraged by the fact I've come this far fighting myself nearly every step of the way, and thus can only imagine the promise once I start working together alongside.

I'm not saying goals shouldn't be set or bad habits shouldn't be changed, there is certainly a danger in giving into one's natural tendencies, I'm just saying some things we simply are, and the trick is in knowing and accepting what.

We are the potential of our strengths and limitations of our weaknesses, and the first step in navigating both is to start embracing them - in their entirety - as our own. I think only then can we ever hope to mold them into what we'd have them be, and ideally, maybe even realize they're already what we've been trying to embody all along.